


Welcome To The Cult of....Wiggly?

by Rine3195



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, StarKid Productions RPF, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Au where Black Friday has a lot less interdimensional shit, Emetophobia, Mild Gore, Multi, Nonbinary Ethan Green, Oral History, SWAF VERSEEEEEE, but it's not too graphic, like i mean its there, sorry Julie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25798828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rine3195/pseuds/Rine3195
Summary: These writings are derived from audio recordings of various interviews conducted with the citizens of Hatchetfield, Michagan by John McNamara. They attempt to chronicle a first hand account of the Wiggly Doll cult. The information from these interviews is, of course, subjective. However, we hope that enough people were interviewed to provide a clear picture of the situation.-Doctor Xander Lee-McNamara
Relationships: Alice/Deb (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Charlotte/Ted (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Lex Foster/Ethan Green, Oliver/Danny
Comments: 40
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: mention of suicide, drowning

**John McNamara, forty-five years old, private investigator** : So, Lex. I called you in to talk about the, uh. Situation a few months ago.

 **Alexandra Foster, nineteen years old** : You talking about the fucking cult? Oh yeah, that was a clusterfuck.

 **Ethan Green, nineteen years old** : Jesus, do I have to? Those reporters already drove me into the ground with questions. They're fucking obnoxious. Like yes, I almost died, get off my ass about it. I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

 **McNamara** : Well, Ethan, your testimony could be very helpful to the whole story. Besides, I'm not a reporter.

 **Ethan** : That's true. Fine, I guess. But this is the last time I talk about it.

 **Lex** : Sure, why not. I'll talk about it again. I've got nothing better to do, anyways.

 **Alice Lake, eighteen years old** : I guess i can talk about it. I don't think my dad wants me to, though. You know what? I'm going through my rebellious phase! Fuck everything!

 **William Lake, thirty-nine years old, Alice's father** : Yes, Alice is allowed to talk to you guys. Did she say otherwise?

 **Deborah Mayweather, eighteen** : Sure.

 **Oliver Hidgens, eighteen** : I mean, I guess. 

**Daniel Archer, eighteen** : Alright, but I don't really wanna answer questions, though. 

**McNamara** : Why don't you just tell me what happened and I'll only ask questions to clarify.

 **Daniel** : I guess I could. Also, my name isn't going to be listed as Daniel, right? I'd like it to be Danny.

 **McNamara** : No.

 **Danny** : Oh, thank god. So, uh. Where do we even start?

 **Alice** : Uh, I think it all started with Charlotte's disappearance. 

**Deb** : Well, the year was going fine. I mean, I got together with Alice over the summer, and her mom finally gave her dad more visitation rights, so she could go to school in Hatchetfield with me.

_Note: Alice's parents are divorced and Bill had to fight for more visitation rights. It was a very painful process from everything I heard- Dr. Lee-McNamara_

**Deb (cont.)** : Danny and Oliver got together too, and Lex and Ethan, after a painfully long back and forth, ended up dating.

 **Ethan** : You know, I don't air Deb's relationship drama to the world. But yes, she's right. It was a long back and forth.

 **Lex** : It was, but I'm glad it got sorted out. Ethan is… they're amazing.

 **Deb** : I mean, the meteor also did hit. That was wild.

 **Danny** : God, the meteor hit last year? Jesus, that feels so long ago.

 **Oliver** : Yeah, I guess it wasn't anything super important. ESPECIALLY compared to the clusterfuck that Black Friday ended up being. 

**Deb** : So, I mean, everything was fine! Good, even. But then everything went south around early November.

 **Samuel Lowery, thirty-seven, chief of Hatchetfield police** : So, my ex-wife Charlotte disappeared on November 2nd, 2019. Uh, her new boyfriend called in and reported her missing. She was also cheating on me with him while we were married, but that's not important.

 **Deb** : Did he actually fucking bring that up? What a fucking scumbag!

 **Theodore Richards, thirty-five, Charlotte's husband** : God, what the fuck is wrong with him? I'm guessing he didn't mention that he was cheating on her as well. Fuck off, Sam.

 **Deb** : Sam is a bitch.

 **Alice** : Oh, Sam is a shitbag

 **Danny** : I don't know anything about Sam personally, but I know he's a cop, and like. ACAB.

 **Lex** : Sam tried to arrest me for smoking pot behind the mall. I was literally doing nothing, and he was like, put the joint away or I'm arresting you. I developed a vendetta against him pretty quick.

 **Ethan** : Sam misgendered me and kept doing it after I corrected him, so like. He can fuck off. I hate him.

 **Sam** : But when it came down to it, her relationship to me didn't matter. She was just another missing person that I needed to find.

 **Ted** : Charlotte had been acting pretty weird in the months before, staying behind at work later, going out randomly and giving bad excuses for it. I didn't want to pry, but I asked her if she was cheating on me, and she was adamant that she wasn't. Charlotte is a terrible liar, and I could tell she wasn't lying. So I didn't push the subject.

 **Deb** : I was concerned, but I also didn't want to irritate her. I love Charlotte a lot; she's my cousin, but she's been more of a mom to me than my real mom. She took me in in eighth grade and I love her so fucking much. So I guess I never saw what happened next coming

[long pause, slight sniffling]

 **McNamara** : It's okay, take a second.

 **Deb** : I'm sorry.

 **McNamara** : There's no need to be sorry, Deb. It was a very emotional time.

 **Deb** : Thank you. I'm really sorry.

 **Ted** : I woke up on November 2nd and Charlotte was gone. I was texting her frantically and got nothing in return. Panic was setting in, but I couldn't do anything about it, because an adult has to be missing for 24 hours to call the police. So I waited. Then I called the police.

 **Sam** : I started an investigation immediately. Charlotte didn't seem like the type of person to just disappear. But we found something almost immediately that really shocked us.

 **Ted** : They, uh. Found Charlotte's car on the coast. Everything was still in it, including her purse and phone. There wasn't any sign of a struggle. So, um. Everyone thought she had. Drowned herself.

 **Deb** : Can we stop talking about this? Please?

 **Alice** : It was a really emotional time for Deb. She was absolutely devastated.

 **Lex** : Yeah, we all were kind of numb. Charlotte was a total sweetheart to all of us teens and literally everyone in the town. We couldn't believe something like this could happen.

 **Oliver** : Thanksgiving was weird. Me, Ethan, Lex and my uncle were all eating in total silence. No one was in a very cheerful mood.

 **Alice** : I had a bad time. I went back to my mom's house for Thanksgiving, and she was upset that I was so quiet. So that was a blast. Fun times.

 **Bill** : I spent it with Deb and Ted. We we're trying to help each other cope, but I think it just made everyone sadder. 

**Danny** : I was really bummed out over everything, and I didn't like seeing all of my friends sad, so I hosted a post-Thanksgiving-pre-black-friday party. All of us teens went over and watched Free Birds, the worst Thanksgiving movie ever.

 **Oliver** : My boyfriend is, uh. Not incredible with dealing with other people's emotions, so he usually turns to comedy. And in this case, he was totally right. The movie really cheered all of us up with how bad it was.

 **Deb** : It was nice of Danny to do that. I think it made me feel a little bit better.

 **Lex** : That night, I got a call from ToyZone, which is where I worked. I hadn't gotten a shift in like months, which is why it was weird to get a call so late and the day before Black Friday. It was a voice I didn't recognize, which was weird. I asked what happened to my old boss, Frank Pricely, and there was a long pause before they said he quit. That was also really weird.

 **Ethan** : I never had much interaction with Frank, but he never struck me as the person who would quit. He was too much of a capitalistic bastard to actually quit his job, you know what I mean? He would never stop trying to get ahead and rise to the top.

 **Lex** : I was super suspicious, but 1. I didn't care that much about Frank and 2. A paycheck is a paycheck and I needed money. Besides, we were selling the hot ticket item of this Black Friday. The Tickle-Me-Wiggly. What could possibly go wrong? 

Everything. Everything could go wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ethan** : Lex got up really early that Friday for work. I woke up and she was getting dressed. I asked her what was going on and she told me she had to head to work and it was really last minute. I told her to be safe, and she promised me she would. 

**Lex** : I got to work early, which I never do. It was Black Friday, though. I had to make a good impression on my new manager. I really shouldn't have worried, though. It was Justyn. Justyn's chill.

_Note- Justyn Bloomfield vehemently denied interview for this oral history- Dr. Lee-McNamara_

**Lex** (cont.): We kind of chatted for a while, and then Wilbur showed up.

 **Wilbur Cross** , forty-five, logistician for ToyZone: I was there to verify the delivery of the dolls and make sure the correct number was delivered. My involvement was very minimal. 

**Lex** : Wilbur's also pretty cool, I guess. I call him Wiley and Willoughby and he hasn't killed me yet, so.

Anyways! The delivery was normal enough. The delivery guy was creepy as fuck, though.

 **Wilbur** : The delivery guy? Weird guy. What do the kids say? Bad vibes. That's it. He hit on Lex, but she shut that shit down pretty fast.

 **Lex** : He was so gross! He literally used the worst line on me! I just told him to fuck off.

 **McNamara** : Do you remember what, erm, pick-up line he used?

 **Lex** : Jesus, I don't even remember. Something lame like "come here often?" Like, bitch, I work here, what do you think? Anyways, he slunk off, and Justyn, Wilbur and I started to open the boxes. 

**Wilbur** : Everything was fine, y' know? All the Wigglys were there, all eight hundred of 'em. We spent a long time making fun of them because, um. They're fucking ugly.

 **Lex** : They're the ugliest little bastards. However, they're weirdly cute. I can kind of see why everyone loved them. But only kind of.

Anyways, we looked outside and saw this super long line. It had to be at least a thousand people long. So we were all laughing about how fucking funny it was gonna be when the customers started fighting over these ugly ass dolls.

They did start fighting, but it wasn't very funny.

 **Ethan** : So I was given the responsibility of looking after Lex's little sister, Hannah. Danny and Oliver tagged along because they were bored. We were gonna see that new movie, Santa Claus Is Going to High School.

 **Oliver** : I was actually kind of psyched for that movie, but not in the good way. More in an ironic way.

 **Danny** : That trailer for the movie looked absolutely fucking awful. I mean, Santa Claus turns into a teenager to spy on them and then falls in love with an _actual_ teenager? I was so excited to rag on it the entire time.

Me, Oliver, Ethan, and Hannah were at the food court when I got a text message from Lex that said something like "it's about to fucking go down at ToyZone get your ass over here." I smelled drama and/or a Karen meltdown, so of course I told Oliver and Ethan. 

**Oliver** : I was very interested in petty drama. See, in Hatchetfield, no one forgives or forgets, so I had a very good feeling that a lot of old grudges would show up again. I, for one, couldn't wait to see that.

 **Ethan** : I wanted to see Linda Monroe, the Ultimate Karen, have a mental breakdown over a tentacled cthulhu doll, but looking after Hannah was the most important thing overall.

 **Oliver** : Ethan told us that they'd take Hannah to see the movie and tell us how bad it was as long as we got a video of Linda Monroe freaking out. 

**Danny** : I agreed to Ethan's terms, and I ran out in such a hurry that I completely forgot to give Ethan some money for the tickets and concessions. Which made what happened to them my fault.

 **Ethan** : He doesn't still blame himself for that, right?

 **Oliver** : Danny thinks that what happened to Ethan is his fault, when he really had no way of knowing what would happen. No one did.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ethan** : So I have this unfortunate habit of threatening people that I’m angry with.

 **Oliver** : Ethan isn’t a _bad_ kid, they just… get into bad situations.

 **Ethan** : I’ve been trying to work on it, but I have, for better or for worse, built up a reputation. And occasionally, I use that reputation for evil. Or rather, not evil, but things for my own gain or my friends’ gain. And uh. That’s what happened that Black Friday.

 **Danny** : Part of it is my fault, no matter what anyone says. If I had just given Ethan the money I had, then none of this would have happened.

 **Ethan:** I took Hannah to the movie theater to see the Santa movie. Or I tried to. When I got there, the tickets were this fucking ridiculous price. I don’t even remember how much, but I knew Hannah would want popcorn, and I definitely didn’t have the funds for both tickets and the popcorn, let alone two tickets. So I tried to barter for the tickets, and _that_ went not great at all. Then, I made the mistake of threatening the ticket guy. I knew him. His name’s Arthur, he’s a grade younger than me, knows I’d never hurt a fly. But, uh. The security guy saw me, and he knows my reputation. Small town, what can I say?

 **Hannah Foster,** eleven years old, Lex Foster’s sister: Mall man was scary. Tried to take Ethan.

 **Ethan:** I couldn’t leave Hannah, she gets freaked out easily when she’s by herself. Plus, Lex would kill me if she heard I got arrested again.

 **McNamara:** Again?

 **Ethan:** Never mind, I’ve said too much. Anyways, the cop got a call on his radio and let me go, told me to get out. I didn’t listen, because I don’t listen to hardly anyone, especially not a cop. So I talked to Hannah for a little bit.

 **Hannah:** Bad noises came. Men were snarling. They wanted the doll. Hurt Ethan.

 **Ethan:** I got, uh. Pretty banged up.

 **Oliver:** Did they actually say “banged up?” They’re a fucking idiot. Those guys broke their ribs and gave them a concussion! They could have died if those monsters had been stronger!

 **Ethan** : I don’t wanna talk about this. Not again Can we please change the subject?

 **Danny:** So we got to ToyZone and we did not find controlled chaos. We found absolute mania. Everyone was tearing down shelves, punching each other, the whole nine yards. Lex and Justyn were just trying not to get killed and I’m pretty sure they were making an escape plan.

 **Oliver:** We came across an old teacher of ours, Mr. Houston. He taught shop class before his wife died.

 **Tom Houston** , forty-eight years old, retired U.S. army: I came to get a doll for my son, Tim. He’d been talking about it for ages, but I wasn’t prepared for that mob. The only good thing about it was that I got to see my old students and Becky again.

 **Becky Barnes** , forty-eight years old, nurse at Hatchetfield Hospital: It’s always nice to see Tom. I just really wish we didn't reconnect under such bad circumstances.

 **Nathan Berry** , thirty-nine years old, sixth grade teacher at Hatchetfield middle school: Look, I just went there to try and get my kid his Christmas present, and I got swept up in the madness. When a guy who looks pretty strong and muscular tells me “you don't look crazy, come with me,” the smart idea is to go with him. So I did.

 **Danny:** We all _ran_ out of that toy store into the main mall. We must have looked so weird: a lady in blue hospital scrubs, a lumberjack, a teen wearing suspenders and glasses that were too big for his face, a guy in a scarf and sweater set, and me, just all running around the mall as people fistfight in the background.

 **Oliver:** Nathan separated from us and ran off to find an exit, while we all decided to go look for Ethan and Hannah, make sure both of them were okay, so the four of us set off for the Cineplex.

 **Tom:** When we got to the entryway to the Cineplex through the mall, this kid ran up to us, screaming and just freaking out. Danny and Oliver recognized her and started running toward where she had come from. Then I saw what she was freaking out about. Ethan Green, one of my old students, was lying on the ground, blood all around them. There were some men around them, pulling at their clothes, but we scared them off.

 **Danny** : I just remember that those guys looked kind of weird, like not quite right. Animal-like.

 **Becky:** That poor kid…they had such bad wounds. I didn’t know where to even begin with trying to help them.

 **Oliver:** I started panicking and I tried to run to them, but Becky got there first. She told us they still had a pulse and that they were alive, but barely, and that she was a nurse and could probably help them.

 **Ethan:** I just remember waking up and seeing this really pretty lady leaning over me and I said something like “God? Is that you?” I legit thought I had to be dead.

 **Danny:** We just all started laughing out of pure, stupid relief. That was the Ethan we knew.

 **Oliver:** Um, Ethan called me over and asked me where Hannah was. She was clinging to Danny like a koala. They told me, uh, to tell Lex that they loved her, if they didn't um, make it.

 **Ethan:** Yeah. I really thought I was gonna die. Thankfully, surprise surprise, I'm still here, having to do this stupid interview!

 **Danny:** Then, all of a sudden, this guy with long hair I’ve seen around town came in from out of fucking nowhere and yells something about a doll. Mr. Houston tried to stand between us, but the guy pulled a knife out and slashed him in the side. He probably would have done worse, but I kicked him in the chest and he ran away.

 **Oliver:** Danny was wearing these ridiculous combat boots and I was making fun of him for wearing them. In the long run, I’m glad he wore them. It’s probably the only reason that maniac Jeremiah decided to back off.

 **Ethan:** All I remember after that guy showed up was Hannah screaming and Danny yelling. After that, I just blacked out. I woke up in a movie theatre, where, no shit, Santa Claus Is Going to High School was playing. Miss Becky had patched up my sides and was trying to stitch up Mr. Houston. That was the happiest moment of the entire weekend, me, Oliver, Danny, and Miss Becky and Mr. Houston all shitting on that stupid movie.

 **Tom:** That movie was even worse than I expected. But we really needed it.

 **Danny:** We all started screaming when Santa kissed that teenager. That was the best.

 **Becky:** When the movie ended, we worked our way out. Ethan insisted on walking, but they almost keeled over. Danny and Oliver had to support them as we walked out. We made it to Tom's car and Oliver started driving to the hospital. And at that moment, when we started driving, I really thought it couldn’t get any worse.

Then tomorrow, Saturday, came. And everything got so much worse.


	4. Chapter 4

**Lex** : When Justyn and I finally got out of the store by escaping out the back door, I got a call from Oliver that Ethan and Mr. Houston were at the hospital. Justyn went home and said he hoped Ethan was alright. I got to the hospital and I was kind of panicking.

 **Oliver** : When Lex got there, she was freaking out. I told her Ethan had been fine when he went into the emergency room, but it didn’t seem to give her any consolation. Everyone was waiting, and we were all really freaked out. Danny got taken home by his parents. I remember that he was super pissed about it, because he wanted to apologize to Ethan again, I think.

 **Danny** : I wanted to stay, but my parents wouldn’t let me. I got a big lecture about not fraternizing with rebellious kids when I got home. That’s ironic, because they still don’t know I host parties whenever they’re away. And they’re away a lot. Why the fuck are they telling me what to do when they haven’t even fucking been in my life? Also Ethan was this close to dying, and-  
Have you figured out yet that I don’t like my parents? I’m sorry, I’ll shut up before I get in trouble.

 **Oliver** : Lex was pacing around the waiting room, my Uncle Henry was obsessively checking his phone, and I couldn’t keep my feet still. Hannah was whimpering next to me and nothing I tried would calm her down.

 **Hannah** : Was worried. Ethan was hurting really bad.

Professor **Henry Hidgens** , fifty-seven years old, biology teacher at Hatchetfield Community College: I was very scared for Ethan. I’ve been looking after them for years, and I couldn’t even bear to think about something happening to them. That Friday was my worst nightmare coming true. They finally came out and told us that two of Ethan’s ribs were broken, their jaw was dislocated, and they had a concussion.

 **Ethan** : I hate hospitals. At least the doctor was nice.

 **Lex** : I almost cried when we saw Ethan again. I didn’t, because I don’t ever cry, but I was close.

 **Ethan** : Oh, Lex definitely cried. Everyone was so damn worried about me, but honestly? I was fine.

 **Henry:** If that kid gives you any kind of bullshit about how “they were fine,” let me know, because I will lovingly kill them for it. They were not fine. They could barely talk because of their jaw.

 **Ethan:** I guess I’m just glad I’m alive, really. If I had had internal bleeding, I might not be sitting here, in your office, Mr. McNamara your highness sir.

 **McNamara:** The titles aren’t necessary, Ethan.

 **Ethan:** Right, sorry.

 **Lex:** I would’ve spent all night in the hospital with them, but the nurses told me only family could be there with them, which I think is a totally bullshit rule, but no one asked me, so I took Hannah back to Hidgens’ place. Next morning, I got a text from Oliver that said Ethan was awake and feeling a lot better. I decided to bring them breakfast from Beanies.

 **Emma Perkins** , thirty-one, barista at Beanies: I’m not sure why Lex decided to go to Beanies. The coffee there is shit. I work there, I can say that. The muffins aren’t half bad, though. Don’t tell Zoey I said that, she’ll let it go to her head.

 **Lex:** Emma’s cool, and she always gives me extra sugars for my coffee. I ordered coffee for me, Hidgens, and Ethan, hot chocolate for Oliver, and blueberry muffins for all of us.

 **Emma** : She told me her partner was in the hospital, mentioned something about Black Friday, and a few things clicked in my head. Me and my...partner were watching my nephew, Tim. My brother-in-law was trying to get him one of those annoying ass dolls.

 **Paul Matthews** , thirty-two, Emma’s partner: I hate those Wiggly dolls.

 **McNamara** : Before or after everything that happened with them?

 **Paul:** Yes.  
 _Note- There was a very long pause in the recording after this short statement from Paul, until John cleared his throat and asked another question- Dr. Lee-McNamara_

 **Emma** : Tom got back really late, with a slash wound that had been stitched up. He told me that some bad shit had happened, and to not go anywhere near the Hatchetfield Mall. We didn’t have to be told twice, because that night on local news we heard that there was a lock-out being placed on the mall. No one could go in or out.

 **Lex** : I got the food and went outside. I remember thinking that it looked really peaceful. It was cloudy, but still bright. There was even a little bit of snow falling. It looked like one of those damn puzzles Hannah and Oliver put together.  
[long sigh]  
 **Lex** : If I had been paying attention, maybe what happened next wouldn’t have happened.

 **Paul** : So it was my lunch break, and I went into Beanies to say hi to Emma, like I do every day. Oh, and get some coffee. Bill came with, because he likes their lattes, and Ted insisted on coming, so I let him. He’d been kind of different ever since Charlotte disappeared, so we were all being pretty nice to him. We all got in there and ordered. I was talking to Emma, but then Bill yelled.

 **Bill** : I had been looking out the window at the street, just watching the cars go by, and there was this young lady, maybe around Alice’s age, looking up at the sky. Then, out of nowhere, this black car drove up, the door opened, and an arm reached out and pulled her inside. She dropped her food and I guess I must have yelled.

 **Emma** : Paul and I turned around just in time to see Lex scream, the door close, and the car drive off. I jumped over the counter and we all ran outside. But we were too late. The car had already driven off.

 **Ted** : I was really scared. All I could see was Charlotte’s empty car by the pier. I was not gonna let another person be lost in one month.

 **McNamara** : Did you think at the time there was a connection between Charlotte's disappearance and Lex's kidnapping?

 **Ted** : Sort of. Mostly it was just innocent people being in trouble. I didn’t understand why that girl had gotten kidnapped, but I knew something was wrong, and I wanted to put a stop to it.

 **Paul** : I called the police immediately. I didn’t know what was going on, but I did know kidnapping was illegal.

 **Bill:** I could remember the license plate number, so I told it to Paul and he told it to the police.

 **Emma:** All I really remember is seeing everyone else walking by, with no realization of what had just happened. I just wanted to scream at them, tell them to pay attention. Lex was gone, and we didn’t know what to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. sorry folks.  
> TW: bodily fluids, dead bodies, kidnapping  
> Julie I apologize in advance

**Oliver:** When Lex didn’t show up, I got worried and called her. She didn’t pick up, and then I got _really_ worried. I decided to head to Beanies, and when I got there, it was like my second worst fear had come true. Lex was gone. There were police officers talking to some businessmen and a barista. None of the police officers would tell me shit, and I was pretty pissed about that, but one of the businessmen did. His name was Bill, and he told me the story. The barista lady was yelling at the cops. I'm guessing they weren't a lot of help. Typical.

 **Emma:** Those assholes were zero fucking help! They literally said, "we'll try our best, but right now we're still trying to diffuse the mall situation." Like, there's a kid who's in trouble! Who disappeared in broad daylight! That should be your first damn priority! Bunch of pricks.

 **Oliver:** Bill was telling me where he saw the car go, and I realized something. The street he was talking about was Terrace Avenue. If the car had turned to the left, like he was insistent it had, there was nowhere for that car to go aside from the old warehouses and homes. See, Hatchetfield used to have this big shipping economy. It was how it got started, like, as a town. But over time, the shipping business declined and the companies closed down their company branches here. Left these huge ass buildings and standalone houses on the edges of the island. Terrace Avenue was the main place for that sort of thing.

 **Emma:** That nerdy hot chocolate kid told us this, and we decided to check it out. The one thing I didn't get was why that boy knew anything about the fucking geography of the town. Even Paul didn’t realize that, and he was the only one out of all the adults that had been in Hatchetfield his whole life.

 **Oliver:** Oh god, this is so embarrassing. Um, when I was younger, I liked making maps. One summer, I just mapped the entire town, and I guess I spent so long on it it's burned into the back of my eyelids.

 **Deb:** Holy shit, _that’s_ how they ended up finding Lex? I used to make fun of Oliver in seventh grade for his maps. Oh, now I feel really bad.

 **Danny:** I knew my boyfriend’s nerdiness would save the world one day. I just had no idea it would be so _soon._

 **Bill:** I guess we were all desperate to help Lex, because we all followed this kid down these roads, scanning for any sign of that black car and its license plate.

 **Paul:** We were walking up and down the same road God knows how many times, just looking for any sign of the car. Then, Emma spotted a light in one of the warehouses. We ran up and banged on the door, yelling for them to let us in. Ted was ready to bust down the door. I admired him for that. Pretty sure Emma was about to as well.

 **Emma:** Ted and I don't get along, because I think he's a bastard, but we were about to form a two-person SEAL team and pull a rescue mission. It was gonna be _Mission: Impossible_ up in this bitch.

 **Ted:** I slammed my shoulder into the door, and it wouldn't budge. Bill tried the door handle, and it fucking opened. Sometimes I despise my existence.

 **Oliver:** The second Bill opened the door, this shape flew at us and the barista lady yelled like some kind of ancient warrior and jumped on it. The other guys, including me, were just standing and gawking. Thankfully, Bill had the braincells of all of us, and he ran over and started to try and get whoever was fighting with Emma away from her. Unfortunately, Bill doesn’t have a lot of upper body strength.

 **Bill:** I was trying to help Emma, but that guy pushed me once and I fell over. Hit my head on the concrete floor pretty hard.

 **Paul:** The second Bill fell, I saw red. I ran over and just started pulling that fucker away from Emma. I think I punched him a few times.

 **Bill:** I didn’t know Paul could _punch._

 **Ted:** God. Paul’s like that random guy in the superhero movie who you think has no abilities, but as the movie goes on you just realize more and more of his abilities. At this point, Paul could reveal he speaks Swahili or some shit and I wouldn’t even be surprised.

 **Emma:** That was the hottest thing Paul has ever done. No contest.

 **Ted:** I felt pretty useless, so I started glancing around the warehouse, looking for any sight of Lex. Oliver saw a door and ran out to see if there was anything there, and I checked on Bill. He had a nasty scrape on the back of his head, but he told me he was fine. He sat up and then promptly fell over. He was not fine.

 **Bill:** In my defense, I didn’t know I had a concussion! I just thought my vision was a little bit blurry! I was wrong.

 **Oliver:** While all of the chaos was going down, I was looking for Lex. I heard a yell and found the door leading to where it came from. I opened the door and almost barfed. There was a body in front of me. A dead, decomposing cadaver. Lex was tied to a chair, and the chair had been tied to the floor in a way that she had to look at the body. I looked down at my shoes and realized that I was standing in a puddle of bodily fluids. _Then_ I threw up.

 **Lex:** So the short version of the worst experience of my life is this. After I was kidnapped, local creep Sherman Young, who was the one who pulled me into the car- side note, didn’t realize he was that strong-and tied me up. I was cussing him out, spitting on him, and making him even more mad. We got to the warehouse, and he dragged me inside. The driver got out too and went inside. He was this other guy in there I’ve seen around town, couldn’t tell you his name for the life of me, who hissed at me something about a sacrifice. Then he pushed me into that room and tied me to the chair. Sherman dragged this bag into the room and unzipped it, let the body fall out. It was Frank Pricely. My boss, who had been M.I.A. for a few weeks. My boss, who I didn’t even like, and I started sobbing. I think I threw up.

 **Oliver:** I did an estimate, and Lex was probably alone with that body for like thirty minutes and she still didn't lose her mind. She’s probably the bravest person I know.

 **Ted:** I heard Oliver gagging and ran in. I also threw up, but me and Oliver were able to untie Lex and get the hell out of there. Oliver called the police.

 **Emma:** Paul and I knocked out Sherman together, and when the police came, he was arrested. All it took was for police to see the dead body of Pricely and Lex’s shaking hands.

 **Lex:** I started crying again. The police gave me a shock blanket.

 **Bill:** We got in the squad cars and drove to the police station. All of us were wondering how this whole situation could get any crazier. And then, of course, because nothing in Hatchetfield ever can go quietly into that good light, it got even more crazy than we ever anticipated.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's crashing down....

**Paul** : All of us had some phone calls to make. Oliver had to call and tell his uncle that he’d found Lex and the four of us adults had to tell our bosses we were now part of a criminal investigation.

 **Lex:** Ethan cried when they heard I was okay.

 **Ethan:** If anyone tells you I cried, they’re lying. I’m a bad bitch. Nothing can make me cry.

 **Oliver:** Jesus Christ. They’re such a fucking liar. I love them though.

 **Ted:** Mr. Davidson was less than pleased to hear that we would probably not be coming back into work. But honestly? Fuck him. We saved somebody.

 **Bill:** Mr. Davidson was very upset, but I reminded him that he calls his wife and says explicit things to her on company time. He told us we could stay and hung up on us.

 **Ted:** Bill is a total badass who decided one day that he was going to be the nicest person ever. And good thing he did, because he could take over the world if he tried.

 **Paul:** Bill is like my second favorite person. After Emma, of course. Please don’t tell her I said that.

 **Emma:** Bill’s the coolest person I know.

 **McNamara:** What about Paul?

 **Emma:** He’s alright. Though him beating up Sherman moved him upwards in the cool rankings.

 **Sam:** When I started interrogating Sherman, he wouldn’t tell me anything. Just kept mumbling stuff about “the Prophet” and shit like that. Really freaking weird. Never dealt with something like that before. Then, as I was starting to leave, he banged on the table. When I turned back to him, he looked me directly in the eyes and said, “He is coming.” I practically bolted out of there. I’m not superstitious, but I was fucking freaked out. Everything he did screamed cult energy. That’s when the puzzle pieces started to click together for me. And that’s around the time Grace Chastity ran in the police station.

 **Grace Chastity** , eighteen, self-proclaimed Hatchetfield investigator: I am a quiet person. Not a lot of people really know who I am, and I prefer to keep it that way. Preferably forever. Unfortunately, that Saturday, I got involved in something very public, completely by accident.

 **Bill:** I just remember seeing this blur of a girl enter the police station. She was short, with dark skin and long braids. She had some sort of tan messenger bag that was filled to bursting with notebooks and papers, and she was very desperate to talk to the chief of police. She was flapping her hands with anxiety.

 **Emma:** I went over and told her that the police chief was busy and asked her what was wrong. She told me she might have information about Charlotte Mayweather, and that it was incredibly urgent. That got Ted’s attention.

 **Ted:** I practically jumped up from my seat and asked her what she knew. She was suspicious of me, but I told her she was my wife and Paul backed me up, which made her believe me. I need to thank him for that, because otherwise she probably wouldn’t have believed me.

 **Grace:** That strange mustache man freaked me out, but I decided to tell him what was going on. I’d seen his wife in a house on Herschel Street and about twenty other people with her. It looked like they were doing some weird ritual. Or something of that kind. I snapped a few pictures before I biked away to the police station and showed her husband them. He started crying and I didn’t know what to do. I’m bad with other people’s emotions. I think I patted him on the shoulder.

 **Ted:** I wanted to sit there and cry out of relief for hours, but I couldn’t. I had to help Charlotte. I didn't know what was going on, but I did know I wanted my wife to be safe. I asked this Grace girl to lead me to my wife.

 **Grace:** I didn’t want to. I wanted to tell the police, but the nice quiet man said he’d go with, and that made me feel better. But as we were about to leave, a police officer stopped us.

 **Doug Rosenberg** , twenty-six, police officer for the HFPD: I didn’t want Ted or Bill leaving. We were in the middle of an investigation, and their information could have been vitally important. Then Grace showed me the pictures, and I volunteered to help them.

 **Bill** : I tried to stand up and almost fell over because of my concussion, but they no longer needed my help now that the officer was going with them. I decided to take a nap instead.

 **Grace** : I let Doug come with. I got on my bike and they got in the squad car. I led the way to the house.

 **Ted** : I remember parking at the house and thinking about how normal it looked. It was just a nice house, one story, painted this beige color. It had flowers on the porch, for God’s sake. It’s just insane how pivotal that house ended up being, and how normal it always looked, y’know? You’d never think a cult’s headquarters were there.

 **Doug** : I had my gun with me. You can never be too careful, but I was especially concerned about this situation. Everything about it felt wrong. Super weird shit was happening.

 **Grace:** I led them to the back window where I’d first seen Charlotte, and they, thank Goddess, were still there. But now something way different was happening. They were all standing in a clump and humming. The group was humming so loudly I could hear them from where we were, which was, keep in mind, outside the house with the windows closed. It was the weirdest situation I’d ever been a part of. Definitely topped my last weird experience in this town I was called to help with.

 **McNamara:** What was your weirdest before that?

 **Grace:** [mumbling]

 **McNamara** : Grace, dear, I need you to speak up.

 **Grace:** There was a dog that kept vanishing and it turned out he was just getting out of the house because the idiot family kept leaving their door unlocked.

 **Ted** : I was looking for Charlotte in the crowd of people, and I couldn’t see her. However, Doug was way ahead of us. They were already at the front of the house and banging on the door.

 **Grace:** I admired Doug’s spirit, but we needed to be careful. This weird group was quite possibly connected to the horrific events of Black Friday, and they were probably incredibly unstable.

 **Doug:** A very normal looking man answered the door. He was in a blue sweatshirt and jeans and asked, very politely, if he could help us. Which honestly? That was my first big red flag. Someone who’s got a ritual going on in the other room and answers the door as calmly as he did has something going on. I told him we’d gotten reports of a missing person in the house, Charlotte Mayweather, and he immediately got defensive. That’s when Ted tried to get past him and got punched in the face.

 **Ted** : That hurt. My nose was bleeding. It was a good distraction, anyways. While I was fighting crazy man number one, Grace and Doug were going after the other cult people.

 **Doug:** I showed my badge to the mob and asked where Charlotte Mayweather was. It went dead quiet and a very distinctive voice broke out. Kind of high-pitched, with a slight Southern tinge.

 **Charlotte Mayweather** , thirty-four, Wiggly Cult defector: I remember calling out for Ted. It was like some kind of fog had lifted from my brain, and I ran to the police officer. I heard Ted’s voice from the hallway, but I was too scared to move from the officer.

 **Ted:** I was being pinned down by the crazy guy, which was embarrassing, because I took wrestling in high school and I couldn't remember what I was doing at all, so I couldn't reach my wife, whom I hadn't seen in a MONTH. Then, I heard a very familiar, very annoying voice. It was uptight, and posh, and-yeah. It was Linda Monroe.

 **Grace:** I hadn't seen her in months, which was strange to me. She's always out harassing some poor service workers or gay couples when they dare to hold hands in her presence, because she's nice like that. But lately, there hadn't been any sign of her or her weird black cape. She was pregnant. Like, really pregnant.

 **Doug:** Mrs. Monroe started yelling at us for "disrupting the ritual" and did we have any idea who she was? I remember seeing this strange glint in her eyes, and then she told her group to “attack the heathens.” They swarmed me, Grace, and Charlotte.

 **Grace:** We tried to fight them off, but it was no use. There were too many of them, and they were all pretty strong.

 **Doug:** I probably could have shot my gun, but they didn’t appear to have any weapons, and I knew most of them probably weren’t in the right place mentally. It wouldn’t have been right to shoot.

 **Grace:** Linda was laughing maniacally. It was a monstrous laugh, one you’d hear from a supervillain in a movie or something, And then, all of a sudden, she put a hand to her stomach and shrieked, then collapsed. Everyone attacking us froze and ran to Linda, crying out for “Mother.” Linda was wailing at the top of her lungs.

 **Ted:** When I heard Linda shriek, I got really worried and thought maybe Charlotte or Grace was hurt, so I found the adrenaline needed to knee the guy in the balls. Then I ran over to everyone to make sure they were okay. First, I hugged Charlotte. Then, I asked Doug what happened. They said Linda just screeched and collapsed.

 **Doug:** There was a stain forming on the floor, and I’m pretty sure we all thought for a few seconds that she’d pissed herself, which would have been darkly funny, but Charlotte figured it out far before we all did.

 **Charlotte** : I realized really quickly that the stain forming wasn’t urine, but was in fact Linda’s water breaking. She was in labor and she needed to get to a hospital _immediately_.

 **Doug** : I called Sam and told him we’d found not only Charlotte, but an entire group of people who had attacked us, and Linda Monroe leading them, and also, Linda was going into labor so we needed some help there. He told me to wait and he put the phone down. Then he just started screaming. We did drop a lot of information on him, so I don’t blame him. When he picked back up, he said he was sending Rob and an ambulance.

 **Charlotte** : All the followers were swarming around Linda and I told them to back off. I was trying to make Linda comfortable. She was rambling about the new Messiah and occasionally she’d start praying. But the prayers didn’t sound familiar. They sounded strange, like they were in another language. I found out later that it wasn’t. It was just gibberish.

 **Ted** : Finally, the police got there. _That_ was a sentence I never thought I’d say. The paramedics got Linda into the ambulance, and the police got the cult into police cars. We really had no idea about anything that was going on. ESPECIALLY the circumstances surrounding Linda’s pregnancy. Or the fact that her kid was why the whole damn thing got started. But pretty soon, all of the puzzle pieces fell into place.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End

**Wilbur Cross** : So I've made a few bad decisions in my life. And a lot of them have been incredibly bad. But having an affair with Linda Monroe and inadvertently starting a cult that killed people is definitely the worst.

 **Doug:** After the initial collapse, two hours later, Mrs. Monroe gave birth to a baby boy, seven pounds, eight ounces. They did a paternity test, but they didn't really need to. Everyone knew Mr. Cross was the father. 

**Wilbur:** Custody wasn't up in the air. Gerald [Linda Monroe's husband] wanted nothing to do with William, and everyone knew Linda wasn't going to be looking after him. So now, William is in my custody.

 **McNamara:** Do you think you'll ever tell him?

 **Wilbur:** Can't say. It's a lot to live with. Besides, he's only a year old. I have time.

 **Ethan:** Wilbur's a good dad, which I didn't expect. William always looks happy when I see him.

 **Lex:** Gotta say, their relationship is cute, despite the existing circumstances. I guess it’s the one good thing that came out of this shit show.

 **Deb:** Y’know what’s funny to me? Linda was certain her baby was the “new messiah,” and the birth of her kid was the most normal thing to happen our of everything. William just looks and acts like every single one year old I’ve ever met.

 **Lex:** You know, there's one other good thing. The investigation was pretty cut and dry, and so was the trial.

 **Sam:** Charlotte's testimony was invaluable during our investigation. Without it, we'd have no insight into how the Wiggly Cult operated.

 **Charlotte:** I have no excuse for joining the cult. I was happy with Ted and Deb, but felt incredibly lonely, and felt like I had no true friends. I heard about a book club and decided to join. I had no idea it would become what it did. But once I was sucked in, every word that Linda was the new gospel for me.

 **McNamara:** Can you remember your first meeting at the book club?

 **Charlotte:** Of course. We were supposed to be reading Pride and Prejudice. And, um, for the first two weeks, we _did_ read Pride and Prejudice. But then, Linda pulled out the bible.

 **McNamara:** Why didn't you leave right then and there?

 **Charlotte:** Oh, a lot of folks did. I did not. I'm still not quite sure why. I think I just was clinging to the hope of making friends. Linda was hypnotic in the way she spoke about the bible, and then I couldn't walk away.

 **Bill:** I actually went to one of these book club meetings. They were still advertising it on the community bulletin board, so I dug up my copy of Pride and Prejudice and walked in. It was the weirdest thing I've ever been through. I left when the fully went weird bible study. But what I remember the most was the way they all looked at me, like I was an intruder. That's what scared me into never going back.

 **Oliver:** Still can’t believe that the book club was a front. That’s a fucking weird thing to front as. Book clubs are always suspicious. 

**Ted:** The trial scared Deb. She cried herself to sleep the night after she had to testify.

 **Bill:** The kids were terrified about the verdict. They're tough as nails, but even Danny was biting his nails. He didn't crack a single joke during those two weeks.

 **Lex:** I was glad when the trial did end and Linda got sent away. Having to relive traumatic experiences and getting badgered about said traumatic experiences frequently was something I did not enjoy at all. But, you know what? It's over, it happened, I turn down most interviews, and hang out with my friends, where we don't talk about what happened. Life moves on.

 **McNamara:** Do you think Hatchetfield is changed forever because of this incident?

 **Oliver:** I'd be a fool to say otherwise. Everyone is much more careful now. 

**Danny:** Half the population is gone. Everyone moved to the mainland, to safer areas. Being on an island with a cult, especially unknowingly, does change people. I can't blame them. Second me and Ollie turn eighteen, we're out of here, and I'm pretty sure my other friends are too. 

**Alice:** It's just that people thought something like this would never happen here. Our island was sleepy, boring even. The Wiggly Cult shattered any illusion that we were immune to crime, I guess. 

**McNamara:** Miss Woodward, have you ever considered becoming a writer? 

**Alice:** It's a hobby. Thank you.

 **Ethan:** And so…the mystery of the Wiggly Cult remains…[hand clap] unsolved.

 **McNamara:** It's not unsolved. 

**Ethan:** That was a reference, sir. Thanks for being the best interviewer I've ever had.

 **McNamara:** Thank you for agreeing to the interview in the first place. I appreciate it.

 **Ethan:** Well, I didn't have anything better to do.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> This will probably be my last multichapter StarKid fic for a while. I still might write oneshots, but I'll be focusing most of my attention on personal projects.   
> As always, I'm on tumblr @ifeelasongcomingon

**Author's Note:**

> Here we fucking goooooooo  
> I'm on tumblr @ifeelasongcomingon  
> Playlist for this fic: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ivkUZ2Pm8LGeyapJBReQZ?si=G1BqKQFwTfCUF1_LqqaduA


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